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Where to get a new girlfriend or boyfriend > 25 years > Girlfriend looking for validation

Girlfriend looking for validation

A slew of people around me have been going through breakups recently. Anyway, back to the fragile thing. Breaking up hurts the ego, again, especially for the dumpee. Some of the thoughts that have ran through my head during the breakup are:.

SEE VIDEO BY TOPIC: How To Stop Seeking Validation In Relationships or from Your Ex

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SEE VIDEO BY TOPIC: Needing Someone Else To Feel Validated

The Single Best Thing You Can Do for Your Relationship

Prefer to listen? Check out the related episode from the I Hear You podcast. Non Necessary cookies to view the content. Yes, men need it just as much as women. We need to feel heard, understood, and appreciated; and that feeling comes—in large part—from validation. Validation is, in essence, the act of helping someone feel heard and understood. It has the power to calm fears and concerns, add a boost to joy and excitement, avoid or quickly resolve arguments, make people much more open to your advice, and much more.

I dated a woman a while back who was great at listening but terrible at validating. I hit a breaking point one evening after sharing something I was particularly excited about. As I finished the story and calmed down a bit, as I tend to get quite animated in my storytelling , I looked at her and saw that same rather blank look on her face.

I had been talking for several minutes, so a one-word response was surely not all she was going to give. What was going on here? What was I expecting? What I was expecting—and quite literally craving at this point in our relationship—was validation. I wanted to feel like she saw, understood, and shared in my excitement.

I was hoping we would connect over the shared experience. As I returned home that evening, I did as any healthy, productive, responsible human being would do and started mindlessly scrolling through Facebook. The article discussed studies conducted by psychologist John Gottman who, for the previous four decades, had studied thousands of couples in an effort to figure out what makes relationships work.

Seeking to better understand why some couples have healthy, lasting relationships while others do not, Gottman and his colleagues decorated their lab at the University of Washington to look like a beautiful bed and breakfast. They invited newlywed couples to spend a day at the retreat and watched as they did what most people do on a typical weekend—prepare meals, chat, clean, and hang out.

As Gottman studied the interactions of each couple, he began to notice a pattern. Throughout the day, partners would make small, seemingly insignificant requests for connection from each other. He was hoping to connect—however momentarily—over the car.

As I sat at my computer reading this article, something clicked. A surge of insight and validation with a hint of vindication flooded my body. This is what my relationship was missing! This new insight opened my eyes to a clear reality: validation is critical for building healthy, satisfying relationships. Alright, enough storytelling. What would you say? While it may be tempting to jump in with advice or assurance, research has shown that choosing to validate first, before offering any advice or assurance, is often the best way to help.

So, you might say something like:. Ugh, that would drive me crazy! Notice how that response 1 identifies a specific emotion feeling crazy , and 2 offers justification for feeling that emotion you would feel the same way. By holding off on the advice for a moment, and instead showing that you hear and understand where your significant other is coming from, you demonstrate respect and appreciation in a way that will instantly strengthen your connection. Sound easy? It is. But can it really make that much of a difference?

There are, of course, countless ways to validate. Notice again how each of these responses refers to a specific emotion and shows some justification for or acceptance of it. Including both elements of validation shows the other person that you not only hear them, you understand them. Invalidating responses are often born out of good intentions, but they do anything but help. The next time someone shares something with you an experience, fear, concern, hope, dream, etc.

This is a broad, high-level look at validation. For a deeper dive, including dozens of real-life examples and actionable approaches to deepening your connection with others, check out my book, I Hear You: The Surprisingly Simple Skill Behind Extraordinary Relationships.

Several years ago I had this discussion with a manager at work who noticed that I was abrasive without trying to be. Thanks for taking the time to explain that. The power is in that you first acknowledged their perspective even if you disagreed. Now for the stinging part to myself. I have done this well at work now that I know it, but terribly at home. Time to re-remember that powerful lesson I learned long ago and employ it in the home!

Hi Scott, thank you for sharing. I literally wrote a book on the topic, yet still find myself jumping into advice or assurance when my wife just wants to vent. Great article!!! Reading is like a bulb lichting up!

I recognise the need of validation I have, but I am struggling myself to give. I already made an effort to connect with people true compliments, but it sometimes had opposite effect… people feeling presured and disconnected. This article made me understand the point of validating someone feeling not only an act!

Also curious about the next article regarding validation of solething you disagree. Thanks, Nathalie! My apologies for the late reply—I thought I had already responded.

Love the question. Question about this the work situation with Kate: So what if it would not drive me crazy? You could approach that situation in a few ways. Light bulb! I immediately go into fix it mode when someone express sadness, frustration or alike emotions….

How cool that those words popped into your head, and even cooler that you pursued them and came across my site. Thank you for taking the time to leave a comment!

The two situations are different complaining vs. Let me know your thoughts. Thank you. I have learned quite a lot from my relationships about invalidation and dis-validation, but only recently decided to read about validation.

Just ordered your book too. You are most welcome.

The Breakup-Validation Cycle

No matter who you are, dating can be a rough ordeal. We all try our best to be the most attractive version of ourselves, glossing over our faults and unpleasant memories, stressing whatever traits we think will win us brownie points with the person across the table. But what if the feeling of wanting to get your date's approval never goes away? Yes, most people put on a bit of a facade as they're getting to know someone, but real intimacy starts to blossom when both people in an early relationship start letting each other in. If you find yourself writhing with stress a few months into a relationship, constantly feeling like you're going to be "found out," you may be struggling with a pervasive need for external approval.

When we get rejected, treated poorly, or someone blows hot and cold in a relationship with us, we often become stuck and fixated on that person. Usually when this happens, our interest in this person turns into a fevered obsession and we go to great lengths to get them to notice us. We will engage in shape shifting behaviours, where we stop being ourselves and try to turn into whatever we think they might like best.

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I’m in Love. But I Still Crave the Attention of Other Men.

Prefer to listen? Check out the related episode from the I Hear You podcast. Non Necessary cookies to view the content. Yes, men need it just as much as women. We need to feel heard, understood, and appreciated; and that feeling comes—in large part—from validation. Validation is, in essence, the act of helping someone feel heard and understood. It has the power to calm fears and concerns, add a boost to joy and excitement, avoid or quickly resolve arguments, make people much more open to your advice, and much more.

mindbodygreen

I wrote this in response to a post from David at How to Beast. I had this problem myself for many years. Mainly, you care too much about the opinions of other people. Not only their opinions, but their approval. If you continue down this path of seeking endless validation…you will be easily used and manipulated by others, no better than a puppet on a string.

I have a desire to be adored by men. As an adolescent, these expectations ran through my head constantly.

I no longer put him on a pedestal. Whoever I date pretty much can do no wrong in my book, which is very dangerous. I make sure my relationship is a two-way street. I see us as complete equals.

RLE: How To Handle Girlfriend Seeking Validation

When we think of what we can do to nurture our relationship, we often think of tangibles. Buy her diamond earrings. Take her out to an elegant dinner. Surprise him by wearing sexy lingerie.

SEE VIDEO BY TOPIC: How To Stop Seeking Validation In A Relationship Or From An Ex

Some forums can only be seen by registered members. Originally Posted by jaypennington. For the people who have followed my story, we are still together. For the people that don't know my story-- my girlfriend and I met eachother and became official after about 2 weeks of dating. I have heard that relationships can't be stable if you jump in so quickly

Validation: The Most Powerful Relationship Skill You Were Never Taught

After you break up with your ex, you lose a sense of yourself. You have, for quite some time, been a couple. That identity has defined a large part of who you are. In a sense, your ex girlfriend or wife had validated who you are. By selecting you as a mate, she approved of your lifestyle, career, looks, and personality. That validation can be a great feeling. Your purpose as a being on this planet seems to make sense. Fast forward to the breakup.

Mar 11, - How to validate YOURSELF. If you continue down this path of seeking endless validation you will be easily used and manipulated by others, no.

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Comments: 1
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